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If you've ever looked back at your dating history and thought "omg, why did I tolerate that?", here's some news: it's not entirely our fault. Our brains were literally getting high.
Women attach and form bonds when oxytocin is present. Men form attachment when they create vasopressin, a hormone that spikes mostly under stress. So when we stress him out, he likes us more. And when he gives us physical or emotional intimacy, we like him more because it releases oxytocin.
Just that biological exchange alone is a recipe for chaos. Before you flood my inbox telling me I'm overgeneralizing—yes, I am. Human data are more mixed and nuanced than what I'm describing here.
I'm not giving anyone an excuse for toxic behavior. I'm explaining the science behind why we behave how we behave to give logic to our actions.
Our Brains on Toxic Love
Toxic relationships work like slot machines. Hot, cold, hot, distant, affectionate again. That pattern wires our brains to chase the feeling of winning him back, not the person himself.
This is called intermittent reinforcement. It's the same mechanism behind gambling addiction, which means inconsistency doesn't feel like a red flag and is often confused for "chemistry."
Here's what's actually happening in our bodies:
Dopamine spikes during reconciliation. Our brains are chasing the next reward, the next moment of affection. That unpredictability creates a stronger high than steady love ever will.
Cortisol floods our systems during conflict or the silent treatment. We're overthinking, checking our phones, anxious about where we stand. When he finally comes back and shows affection, our brains register relief and mistake it for safety, even though he caused the stress in the first place.
Oxytocin bonds us during physical touch or emotional intimacy. Our brains don't vet who they attach to. They just say "this person matters, stay connected." (Even when they're hurting us.)
Research suggests this biochemical addiction to intense emotional highs and lows functions similarly to drug addiction. The cycle creates a powerful trauma bond that's incredibly difficult to break.
Familiar Pain Feels Safer Than Healthy Love
A lot of us grew up with emotional unpredictability, lack of validation, or having to earn love. When we encounter calm and secure love, it can feel boring or even suspicious. Not because it actually is, but because it's unfamiliar.
So we're not actively choosing toxicity. We're choosing what our nervous systems recognize.
People subconsciously try to replicate their relationships with their parents because it feels familiar or like what they think they deserve. So if they had controlling and toxic parents, they're more likely to be drawn to similar partners.
The High-Achiever Trap
Another trap? High-achieving women turning relationships into fix-it projects.
A lot of smart, driven women are so used to solving, improving, optimizing, and carrying that we unconsciously bring that same energy into dating.
If I just communicate better. If I'm more patient. If I love him hard enough. If I can help him heal.
That mindset builds companies, closes deals, and gets promotions. In relationships, it keeps us stuck in cycles where we're doing all the emotional labor while he does the bare minimum.
The Pattern We're Probably Stuck In
Here's the cycle:
Attraction to emotional intensity Inconsistency creates anxiety Anxiety fuels attachment We invest more to stabilize it He pulls back We try harder
Repeat.
Women fall for the effort, not the toxicity. Someone toxic and unpredictable goes to great lengths to hide their insecurities, and it can take a long time for their true nature to surface. They make concerted efforts to create an illusion of perfection: bringing flowers, quoting poetry, writing letters. Despite our instincts, it's hard to see clearly when someone appears to be making an effort and showing respect.
Chemistry Isn't Always a Green Flag
That "spark" we feel? It might actually be anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional risk. Healthy relationships often feel like ease, safety, and clarity, which, if we're used to chaos, can feel like something's missing.
Sometimes the "boring guy" is actually the aligned one.
Breaking the Pattern
According to psychotherapists who specialize in toxic relationships, healing requires developing confidence in our ability to trust our own discernment. Self-reflection and working with a therapist to explore childhood patterns can help us understand why we're drawn to people who hurt us.
If you've ever had a toxic ex, your brain was doing exactly what brains do: chasing dopamine hits and mistaking cortisol spikes for passion. The science behind it all is worth knowing. It puts language to something a lot of us have felt but couldn't explain. And sometimes, that's exactly where the shift starts.
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